Slowly I Have Gone Astray

Days have past since the first time I cried my cry. Long have I longed for the same amount of carelessness in this careless, senseless, heartless place.

For me, in my lifetime, I have endured challenges that none of you might have ever experienced. I was challenged to survive every single day, until the day that I have written these words that some of you might call a letter.

The lengthier a sword forged in the raging flames, stronger it will be. But there was no record of how a sword could be deformed under a never ending flame. They began to lose their nature, lost their will to retain their shape.

And I have proven that a never ending flame could melt even the strongest, thickest, mightiest sword of all swords. Slowly I have gone astray, like a sword eaten alive by their flames.

A faithful one, I was. More than you ever know. Grateful for the life that the supreme being had given to me. But now I believed that I was given a life only to end it myself, for I have been under pressure and my survival was challenged. I can almost hear He whispered "Do you have the guts to end it with your own hands?"

I began to wonder, I thought to myself that He might have given me a chance to live. Isn't that a blessing to enjoy such wonderful colors, shapes, sounds, flavors, textures, and everything that this world possess? 

But then I wonder again, I thought to myself. "Why me?". A simple inquiry that no words can answer. I inquire His will on me. Why did I have to endure all this challenge? Why did you gave me a life only to make me feel miserable?

Why do I have to feel like I have to die for all this to end?

Slowly I began to believe that maybe He does not exist. I have become a selfless being for years, but can I just be selfish for once? I just want my happiness back. I just want justice of what have I felt all these years. I just want Him to finally show me that God is Just.

I cannot even recognize what have I become. And I feel that there is no helping hand from above, therefore I, everyday, slowly I have gone astray.